I know that people who come into the shop are a little more concerned than usual, and that if they weren’t before, they will be now. There have been conflicts and difficulties in the past, and I have had to intervene. But things have changed. The biggest change is that it is so easy to get things wrong, especially in a small shop where everyone can hear everyone else.This means I have to intervene more often.
Now I have something that can help a little. When there was angst about the government, I used it. Once, during an argument about Bob Hawke, I used it. Once, after an enraged threat, ‘Well, I’ll fucking tell you something’, I soothed the participant with it. Once some travellers from Victoria in my shop were told sharply that they had no right (to something). I fired the accuser with a new issue, and luckily it worked. A man leaned over me angrily about vaccinations, (‘it’s all about profit’), and I moved him on gently to a greater issue.
This is because there are common issues. We can bend our anger and hatred upon these, and they deserve it.
The greatest of these is phone updates.
I ask, ‘Do you like your phone?’
We mostly don’t. People bend over their phone screens for me, trying to find the words for something that, while vital, provokes endless rage. If necessary, I probe the wound:
‘Do you do the updates?’ No argument can survive this question. Everyone takes out their phone and looks at it, looking for the update still sitting there like an arsehole.
‘God, updates. With this phone, I can’t update anything. Look at this.’ And they show me the source of all evil, previous argument gone.
‘Fucking hate this phone. Don’t get an Android.’
‘Samsung. Useless. Apple is better. But…’
I ask, ‘Should I do this update?’ This provokes intense anxiety (except in young people, who will fearlessly update anything) in case I am mis-advised.
‘Don’t do it mate.”
‘Na, fuck that.’
‘Do all of ‘em. Else you’ll be hacked the shit out of.’
There are other things. Printers. All people hate their printers. This includes me. They always work for the first eighteen pages… ‘
So, what printer do you recommend?’
‘God, I hate Canon. So shit. And Epsom. They’re wankers.’
“God. Don’t ask me. I got this one at home that….’
Australia Post. People look stern and severe.
‘You tell me why it takes ten days for a pack to get from here to Woodside. I mean, what are they doing with the stuff!’
‘You know what they charge? You ever been in there? You have to queue from here to the river. That’s because they’re all dickheads with fancy watches. Actually they’re ok here. But they’re shit in Mt Barker.
‘Well, they lost my stuff. Everyone knows they smash the parcels to bits and reckon they didn’t. No compensation for me.’
I only use this for emergencies. Because after this one, everybody is family, and nobody will go home.