“I like it that order exists somewhere even if it shatters near me.”
Elizabeth Moon, The Speed of Dark
“I like it that order exists somewhere even if it shatters near me.”
Elizabeth Moon, The Speed of Dark
Shelved vampire books. Sorted the Cat Warriors. Put the biogs back into alphabet. Gave Robert a mask because his got lost. Bought a pie. Ate it crouched against a fence on the way back from Pestka’s because it started to rain again.
I listened to most of a furious theory of a one world government, which the teller didn’t finish because I put Gregory Porter’s Liquid Spirit through the speaker as a soft drowner. It worked. The angry person moved their head backwards in a slight duck movement. This is because Gregory Porter sings jazz, and jazz is already angry. Liquid Spirit outranks any other noise; it is organized. It pricks at rich rage and lets it all out with brighter and more useful colours. The arguer against masks and government, who is actually a really nice (and tired) person, looked at the dictionary they’d just bought and said that it was a really good dictionary. Then they nodded a couple of time, and they nodded in time to Liquid Spirit. That’s ok; how can you not. Whatever they are, it’s probably me, too.
Another man near us began drumming on his book. He’d been looking through engineering. He tapped his credit card on the books. In time. And banged his books together. In time. How can you not.
Some kids roared past the window, going back to school? and one of them yelled, give it back you fuckhead. Well, why not!
The other person left without finishing their story. It wasn’t that they were wrong.
It’s just that Gregory Porter tells it a different way.
Portrait of Gregory Evans by Colin Able
“Water, thou hast no taste, no color, no odor; canst not be defined, art relished while ever mysterious. Not necessary to life, but rather life itself, thou fillest us with a gratification that exceeds the delight of the senses. By thy might, there return into us treasures that we had abandoned. By thy grace, there are released in us all the dried-up runnels of our heart. Of the riches that exist in the world, thou art the rarest and also the most delicate – thou so pure within the bowels of the earth! A man may die of thirst lying beside a magnesian spring. He may die within reach of a salt lake. He may die though he hold in his hand a jug of dew, if it be inhabited by evil salts. For thou, water, art a proud divinity, allowing no alteration, no foreignness in thy being. And the joy that thou spreadest is an infinitely simple joy.”
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand and Stars
Illustration by Lily Padula
Workmen in bright orange shirts in my doorway eating food. They have iced coffees.
They have to keep moving out of the way of all the other passers-by. It’s cold.
An older couple move past swinging motorbike helmets, him watching her closely to see where she wants to go. They go on to the bakery and the workmen in orange crowd against my door again to let them pass. The food they have is hot and in paper bags; about eight bags each. I can see the steam. They have packs of smokes and huge boots, muddied. I can hear them scraping about out there.
‘I’m never going to get it.’
‘That’s what I reckon.’
They go back and forth to the bin. One of turns and gazes in at the books. They keep eating. They stop chewing only when a truck passes, and then they gaze at it until it’s gone. Then they start eating again.
‘I don’t know, man. Just don’t know.’
‘Na. Me too. Where you going?’
‘K. See you at the car.’
One crosses the road slowly, still eating. When I look up again, they are both gone, and the orange landscape is now grey.
There’s a pair of gumboots on the floor. There’s a fruit bowl with the ends of three bananas just seeing over the edge. And a stack of paperbacks placed by me yesterday right there with care. Carpentaria is on the top with the bookmark in page 22, place by me this morning right there with bliss with coffee and toast.
There’s washing not folded.
There washing folded not put away. Not mine.
There’s a lego model lying about in tiny crystal pieces. This model, an ice-cream van, even has tiny lego coins and tiny green lego iceblocks made of clear green plastic that looks like glass. There’s a boy with a skateboard and a dog, all part of the ice cream van, left there on the cupboard not quite put together.
There’s a set of MASH, The Recovery Collection, every season, pulled out and begun. Cups and plates on the sink, tin cans and jars, a chopping board, unread letters, a lemon.
Some fabric cooling in a coffee dye that’s mine another project not another one says my mother but it is: another one. My mother in law, Mary, left a bag of stuff that she never finished. I took a bit of wool out of it. I’m going to do something with it.
There’s a puzzle left on the floor, not finished because one letter is missing. So it’s always going to be unfinished. Still, the grandsons pull it out and fiddle. Encouraging any letter to soothe the blank space, but nothing will agree. So it’s left there again. Undone. What’s not there outranks what’s there. We won’t part with what we don’t have.
There’s a box of wood shavings that smell like wine and a computer chord abandoned next to the fireplace. There are three toilet rolls and a cork with a pin in it, treasure for a later game. A doll’s house my grandfather made me, now filled with mostly matchbox cars and stones.
There’s a series of windows looking out at cold hopeful August.
There’s a stack of photos everyone’s been looking through because the person who took them is lost to us now, and because what’s not here outranks what’s here.
“Instructions for living a life. Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.”
Illustration by Gary Akers
I mean, going past the door of the shop because it’s the antique fair weekend, and people are everywhere, scattered like bits of energy all disagreeing in different directions and in different shapes.
A young couple rode past on bikes, shoulder to shoulder.
‘Not so funny now, is it?’ She said this. He said:
‘Yeah. Little bit.’
‘Nobody should be holding my horse’s head.’ She said this. He said:
‘Like, from a helicopter!’ Then they were gone. And I went back to shelving.
A man is moving gently along the shelves, lost in enormous choices. He doesn’t know he’s here. I am playing Don McLean’s Vincent and the man suddenly sings along; one line, ‘reflect in Vincent’s eyes of China blue…’ and he doesn’t know he’s done this.
‘Do you want to go in?’ People at the door. They don’t come in.
‘Where can we cross over?’ People near the door. They don’t cross the road. It’s too busy. They move on.
‘Look there. I used to have that.’ A man is bending toward a display in the window. But the lady he is with keeps walking. She is dressed in soft grey and soft blue and soft white; she is watching the ground carefully as she walks and does not look up at the books in the window that he wants to show her.
Little scooters shoot past with a child attached to the handles of each one. They are hilarious and agile and enjoying the tiny wheeled muscles under their feet. One screams, ‘Where’s Dillan?’
A lady is drifting right in front of me, looking from her phone to the back of a book and back to her phone. She has a red and blue mask. The masks make everyone’s faces smooth and blank, only the eyes left to say things.
Lads on scooters outside again, stopping and starting. Allowing pedestrians, launching off again, unconcerned with masks, uninterested in government, looking only for each other.
Girls walking shoulder to shoulder lean against the window to check phones.
George pours over the art books in the front room, his mask crooked and getting in the way of Rembrandt’s best.
A man with a bottle of milk in each hand lurches past, socks and thongs scraping the top off the footpath.
An argument whips the air outside; ‘Well you shouldena been driving through there, mate.’ Briefly, there’s a young man with red hair and excited eyes. Then he’s gone.
And one man in front of me, still there; moving along the titles and not really here, gone a thousand hectares inward and not likely to return.
“The truth of the story lies in the details.”
Paul Astor, The Brooklyn Follies
Painting by Carlos San Millan
Here they are, organized; in the reading room, which they call their room and then place beanies and other things of value on the shelf over the bed for in the morning.
The bed belongs to one of the aunts. You can get under there when you’re called in a tone that suggests trouble.
There’s a sensible plastic sheet on the bed in case of accidents.
The third grandson is in the bed of another aunt. He’s asleep already; he did not last to the end of the Hairy Maclary omnibus.
But in this room, where the four year old seniors sleep, the evening was lashed with argument. In Handa’s Surprise, the ostrich took the orange.
‘No, she didn’t.’
‘No, it was a avadcardo.’ The winner of this discussion stretched avadcardo to its final length. It worked. When you are four, words that turn into food in your mouth outrank the need to continue talking.
In King Bidgood’s in the Bathtub, (the old paper pages worn away to silk), the King said, ‘trout, trout, trout.’
‘He didn’t pull the plug.’
‘Yes, she did.’ There was silence. They both wanted this bath that held battle ships, fishing rods, and party food with purple fizzing in gold goblets and sheeps made of cake, and iced swans with lollies in their eyes.
They read There’s a Sea in my Bedroom.
‘He got scared of the sea in his ears.’ Noah read. Max listened and argued. But they like things about being scared. They looked approvingly at the boy being scared. They looked at the sea that came into his bedroom (out of a conch shell).
‘There’s a conch shell at kindy. Beryl said the sea’s in it.’
‘Is there any sea in it?’
‘Yes. Beryl said.’
In The Tiger Who Came to Tea, the discussion became fierce.
It’s not coffee.’
Ok, it’s curry.’
‘It’s not curry. It’s carfeey.
It’s not carfeey.’
There was silence; they stared at the illustrations.
‘She can’t have a bath because the lion ate all her bath water.
‘It’s a tiger.’
‘So they go out to the café for tea.’
‘It’s the pub. It’s a pub. It’s my pub.’
‘So they go out to the pub for tea. I want to go there.’
‘Nanny, can you read to us?’
So I stop eavesdropping and go in to read. But first there is a song they want to sing about a fish. It lasts for fifteen minutes. Then we can read. Because I have told them that anything less than one hundred books before sleep is unacceptable.
“So early it’s still almost dark out.
I’m near the window with coffee,
and the usual early morning stuff
that passes for thought.
When I see the boy and his friend
walking up the road
to deliver the newspaper.
They wear caps and sweaters,
and one boy has a bag over his shoulder.
They are so happy
they aren’t saying anything, these boys.
I think if they could, they would take
each other’s arm.
It’s early in the morning,
and they are doing this thing together.
They come on, slowly.
The sky is taking on light,
though the moon still hangs pale over the water.
Such beauty that for a minute
death and ambition, even love,
doesn’t enter into this.
Happiness. It comes on
unexpectedly. And goes beyond, really,
any early morning talk about it.”
Raymond Carver, Happiness
Painting by Kim English